Don't Tell Me
by SoonerBrookie
Summary: "Don't tell me that it's over, Finn Hudson. Not your fight against this thing. Not the search for your dream. And not... not us. Just don't tell me that it's over." When Rachel wonders why Kurt visits home more often, three little words send her world into a tailspin. New York, NYAdA, Brody? None of that matters when HE could be lost to her. Set after 4.06.
1. Don't Say It

**A/N: Hey! I know I have several different fics in progress right now, but this scenario was buzzing around in my brain for two days straight, so I finally gave in! I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to my loves on tumblr, they know who they are! **

Rachel huffed as she fell backwards onto Kurt's bed, raising an eyebrow at the open suitcase on his bed. He shrugged, not needing her to say a word as he pulled a couple of sweaters out of his wardrobe, folding them neatly before placing them on a stack of folded boxers. She turned over on her side, propping her head up in her hand as he moved about his room, reaching for the plane vouchers laying on his pillow. Just what she thought- Ohio. Things had been weird the last couple of months, considering how great things had been before. She loved Kurt like her very own brother (and pointedly tried to ignore who really was his) and it hurt that he seemed to be withdrawing more and more into himself. For weeks she could sense something was wrong, very, but every time she tried to ask about it he would shrug it off, blaming it the stress of finally being at NYADA. If Rachel were being honest, she had pictured this semester starting out very differently. She and Kurt were already so close, shouldn't have gotten even better once they were at their dream school together.

"Are you really going back to Ohio?" She asked finally, sitting up and pulling off her black boots. If she were being honest, she kind of missed her penny loafers. As sexy as she thought people found her in her New York clothes, they were killer on her feet, "You just took the train there two weeks ago. Seriously, Kurt. If you're going to keep up at NYADA you're going to need to practice on the weekends, not visit Blaine." Kurt rolled his eyes as he packed up his toiletries, zipping the travel bag angrily.

"I'm not going to visit Blaine, Rachel," he said haughtily, picking her boots up and brushing them off before setting them on the other side of the partition cutting his room off from the living room, "I mean, yes, I'm sure I'll see him, but that's not the point of going home."

"That's not home anymore, remember?" She sighed, a little hurt at the distance she felt between herself and her best friend.

"It is to me," Kurt replied shortly, crossing his arms, "What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were spending the day with that boyfriend of yours."

"Brody had a callback," she shrugged, wondering if she should be more proud than she sounded, "Which is really great. Good for him."

"Uh oh, are you jealous?" Kurt said lightly, poking at her leg with the toe of his own black boot, causing Rachel to giggle. She knew he was trying to lift the mood a little bit, so she decided to play along.

"Oh very," she laughed, tossing her hair over her shoulder and loosening the belt that cinched the waist of her black dress, "If he's successful and I'm not, I'm breaking up with him."

"Shame on you," Kurt teased, turning around to dig through his drawers again, "You're supposed to support him no matter what. Will I need a scarf?"

"It's January in Ohio, Kurt, what do you think?" Rachel sighed, standing up and opening his wardrobe, "Even though we have the Schuester-Pilsbury wedding to go to in just a few short weeks. Why can't your trip wait? I miss you."

"I miss you, too," Kurt replied, wrapping his arms around Rachel's shoulder and pulling her in for a hug, "But… I just really have to go home. I wish I could tell you why. Just something I feel I guess."

"I understand, Kurt, I do. I miss my Dads too. It would be easier if we could just move our parents up here, right?" She blushed at Kurt's expression when she purposefully avoided the word 'family,' knowing what that would imply.

"I miss my _family_," he corrected, sidestepping her and grabbing his carry-on from underneath his bed, "Not just my Dad, but Carole and my brother, too." Rachel tried to hide her wince when he mentioned Finn.

"How….How are they?" she asked softly, dropping her eyes as she played with the belt around her waist.

"They're fine," Kurt sighed, "Fantastic."

"I don't want you to be mad at me, Kurt," Rachel said suddenly, reaching for his wrist, "Everything was fine before, and you were so supportive of me after my break-up with-with Finn."

"I'm still supportive Rachel," her friend argue, stuffing a couple of difficult looking books in his bag, "I just want you to be happy. And you weren't getting that with Finn. I just think maybe I handled supporting you the wrong way."

"How? You were amazing and-"

"You don't think I kind of neglected my brother?" He asked, interrupting her. Rachel's mouth snapped shut as she remembered those days in the fall. She and Kurt had leaned on each other after the demise of their respective relationships, so much so that she guessed their other relationships did sort of fall by the wayside. She hadn't given it much thought then, but she could tell by the look in Kurt's eyes that it still haunted him.

"Kurt, I'm sure he doesn't blame you."

"Well, that's what he says. Which makes me just feel so much worse. He was hurting too, you know. But I practically treated him like a stranger back then. Remember when we went to see Grease? I was so wrapped up in my own stuff with Blaine, and focusing on you that I barely spoke two words to my brother. You'll never understand how much I regret that now."

"What changed?" She asked, confused. Kurt paused, glancing over his shoulder at her like he wanted desperately to tell her something, but turned away last minute, deciding against it.

"So are you going to tell me how things are going with Brody?" He changed the subject as he went through his DVDs, selecting Braveheart, which Rachel instinctively knew had to have been a gift from Finn. It was odd that Kurt had chosen that one to watch on his trip, but she moved past it.

"Moving kind of fast, but like I told you, that's what happens in New York," she smiled, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling that had been plaguing her since the night before, "Adult love doesn't wait like high school love."

"Wait, love?" Kurt asked, turning away from his bookshelf, clutching the DVD to his chest. Rachel rolled her eyes, shaking her head.

"No, not yet," she said honestly, not wanting to tell Kurt that she didn't know if she could ever really see herself loving Brody, "I just mean, if that's where this is going."

"Right," he nodded, looking relieved as he tucked the DVD and his portable player into his carry-on, "You had me worried there for a minute. So have you two…?"

"No."

"Okay…"

"Almost. Last night. But we couldn't. I-I'm not ready." She glanced away, not wanting to see the sympathy in her best friend's eyes. "Listen, let me help you pack."

"No, that's okay, I'm almost done." He kept protesting when Rachel stood up and started digging through his carry-on, tsking as she tried to fix the jumble.

"Honestly, Kurt, the state of your carry-on is atrocious. You really need to learn how to be organized again, especially since-" she paused, reading the titles of the difficult looking books she had noticed earlier. She glanced up at Kurt who was staring down at his feet, his hands in his pocket.

"What are these?"

"Just some books, Rachel, I-"

"_Cancer: 50 Essential Things to Do_? _Beating Cancer with Nutrition? It's not Over: Fighting Cancer? _KURT. What the hell are these?"

"I've been going home for a reason," he shrugged, no longer bothering to fight the tears, letting them course down his cheeks for the first time in months, for the first time since Carole had called him after Thanksgiving and told him the news.

"Do you-"

"No, not me." He watched, pained, as her mind raced.

"Your Dad?" she asked, and he couldn't even be angry that the question was almost hopeful, like she was desperate not to hear the words that she knew were coming. Kurt shook his head silently, finally looking up at her when he heard the books drop back to the bed.

"No." She said firmly, shaking her head, "No. Don't say it, Kurt. Don't you dare say it."

"Rachel."

"No." She said again, her own deep brown eyes filling with tears.

"He asked us not to tell you, but he was diagnosed early in December."

"No."

"Rachel. Finn has cancer."

**A/N: Reviews are love! **


	2. Don't Turn Back

**A/N: Wow! Thank you so much for the amazing response to chapter one! I hope you all enjoy this second installment, and please keep reviewing! I would like to thank my finchel lovelies on tumblr, especially my bee, Ava, and my moose, Tara! Also Sma, Gabi, Dani… I could go on forever. They keep me writing! And don't worry. Finn will make his entrance in chapter 3!**

**XxXxX**

"_Finn has cancer."_

Rachel stared across the room at Kurt, waiting for her heart to start beating again, or break, or show any other sign that she was still alive, that her already teetering world hadn't just come crashing down around her. She was numb, her mind racing as she let those three words sink in. Finn had cancer. _Her _Finn. The sweet, freckle-faced boy who had lived in her dreams all through high school and, to finally be honest with herself, still claimed them as his own. The tall, strong man who had put her on this cash course for her New York dream seven months earlier, unaware that the biggest part of that dream had become him. The man whose heart she could literally see breaking alongside her own when he put two and two together, completely mistaken… But she had continued to mislead him, letting her own stupid, fragile pride keep her from telling him how much she still loved him and how frustrating it was that she did.

Finn has cancer.

Rachel blinked once before turning on her heels, ignoring Kurt as he called after her. Diagnosed in early December? December! And no one had thought to ignore Finn's request at some point in that month's time and tell her? Didn't they understand that she had a right to know, whether he wanted her to or not? After everything she and Finn had been to each other (her heart gave a painful squeeze at the past tense of that thought), did Kurt, his parents, _someone_ not think to give her a head's up? Oh, by the way, the guy you almost married? The one that you thought you were going to spend forever with? Oh yeah, he has a potentially deadly disease. Oops.

What if… what if the worst had happened? What if he had suffered for God knows how long, months, years even, without her ever knowing about it? What if one day Kurt walked up to her and asked her to sit down so he could tell her? He would have… would have… _left_ (she wouldn't think that other word, she couldn't) without knowing how much he still meant to her. How much he would always_, always_ mean to her. She would have had to figure out how to not only live in a world where he didn't exist anymore, but she would have to do so without ever getting the chance to say goodbye. Without holding him one more time, without feeling his hands in her hair, without even seeing that familiar, warm light in his amber eyes. It wouldn't have been fair. Not to her and whether he knew it or not, not to him.

"Rachel?" she heard Kurt call after her, following her across the apartment to her room. She ignored him as she dropped to her knees, reaching under her bed for the handle of her familiar pink suitcase, one of the few reminders of 'Lima Rachel' she still had. She grabbed it and tugged the bag out from under her bed, looking up in time to see Kurt stop short in her make-shift doorway.

"Are you going to help me or not?" she huffed, setting it on her bedspread and flipping it open. Kurt sighed as he watched her rush around her room, grabbing clothes at random out of her dresser.

"What are you doing?" he asked, shaking his head as he crossed the room to close her suitcase before she could pack anything. Was he kidding?

"'Well I can't just stay here, I'm going with you!" she said hurriedly, trying to push his hands away as he zipped her bag, "Kurt, move!"

"Rachel, you can't-"

"Kurt, I have to! He's my... I mean, I'm his-"

"His what, Rachel? Tell me? What are you? His ex-girlfriend? No, ex-fiancee? The girl who he's had almost no contact with him in months? Listen, the two of you spent more time not talking last year than you did actually talking. I know it's hard, and I know a part of you still cares for him. Always will, because even though I didn't show it, I thought you two were the real deal. You made me think that maybe high school romance can last forever. But we grew up. You moved on. He was trying to also. But do you think it will help him, seeing you when he knows you're dating Brody?" Rachel felt like the breath had been knocked from her body as she sat down on the bed, shaking her head. Of course he would bring up her boyfriend of six weeks, the guy she agreed to date so she wouldn't feel so damn alone in the city that was supposed to be everything to her, reminding her how much things had changed since they took that stage to receive their diploma. Did he really think she had moved on? That she was over all the hurt and pain that came with cutting ties with the man that was supposed to be her life? He didn't understand. Didn't he get that no matter what the hell happened in the past seven months, none of that mattered right now? What she had with Finn was deeper than anything she had ever experienced. And yeah, maybe she had been trying to forget that lately. She knew she had. She knew she was losing herself as she tried to find her place in the city. She wiped at the tears on her cheek, shaking her head as she stood up.

"That doesn't matter. He needs me, Kurt, I know he does." Before Kurt could say anything else she flipped open her suitcase again, filling it with the random clothes she had dragged from her drawers.

"What about money?" He sighed, crossing his arms and looking heartbroken for her.

"My Dads gave me some more last month, and then I always have that credit card they gave me for emergencies or for when I really needed something."

"Do I need to tell you that this is neither of those." She paused on her way to her own wardrobe, turning around to face him.

"You don't think so? Kurt, you just told me that the most important person I've ever had in my life has cancer. _Cancer_, Kurt. To me, that's an emergency. Plus, I need to see him. I need to see for myself that he's okay… or that he will be okay."

"Rachel, stop." Kurt grabbed her hands and forced her to look at him, pulling her into a hug as she started to shake, "There's nothing you can do, okay? I was like this when I first found out. I felt so guilty that I hadn't been spending the time with him I should have been when I visited Lima. But, trust me, okay? Finn's going to be fine. He's tough, and he's smiling, and he makes all the nurses laugh when he goes in to the hospital or his oncologist's office. He won't let this beat him, and not just because I won't let him. He understands that you're moving on with your life. He's an adult too, you know." She just stared at him, deflating. Moving on? Is that what they all thought this was? Her new look, distancing herself, dating Brody? She was trying to survive without him, to figure out how to live a life that might not include him. She couldn't be farther from 'moving on.'

"I'm not-"

"Rachel. Just ten minutes ago you were happily joking about your new boyfriend and how you two almost slept together last night. I know you don't take that stuff lightly. Yes, moving on. So you're going to stay here in New York, I'm going to go to Lima, and we're going to take this all a day at a time, okay?" After what felt like eternity, Rachel nodded, pulling back from her best friend's embrace, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling that was gnawing at her stomach again.

She wanted to tell Kurt that the night before had been a complete disaster. That it had started out okay. Dinner, walk in the park, and even though making out with Brody didn't give her the rush she had been used to feeling with Finn, it was something. He made it clear that he wanted her. And when his hands started sneaking up her thigh under her skirt, she had thought about just letting it happen. Like riding a bike, right? And did it really matter that the body on top of hers wasn't Finn's? Did it matter that the hands against her skin were smaller and yet somehow less gentle?

It did. It mattered. All of it mattered.

She had pushed him off of her when he had whispered 'fuck you're hot' against her chest, the words making her skin crawl. Everything felt off, from the fact that Brody had slept with Cassandra not too long before to the way he wouldn't look at her, not really, but her body. Like that's all she was. But he wanted her, right? He was there. Still, it was such a far cry from her first time with Finn that she wanted to run screaming away from Brody, but she didn't. She apologized, telling him that she had only ever been with Finn before so she needed time before ducking out, crying her whole way back to the loft. She liked Brody, she really did. Or she thought so. He knew New York… but he didn't know her.

"You're right," she told Kurt, shaking those thoughts away, "I have a life to live here, right? I just… I don't know why he didn't tell me."

"I think he tried," he said, wincing as if he was afraid of her reaction, "but he said you sounded happy and he didn't want to get in the way of your life here."

"What? He never-" Rachel stopped herself, remembering as she met Kurt's eyes again, "Oh."

_She sighed as she felt her phone buzz in her hand, glancing down at the name. She did a double take at the familiar picture she hadn't seen pop up on the screen in so long smiling up at her, a bright-eyed smile embraced by two dimples. Seriously? He tells her he doesn't want contact with her, practically breaks her in two, then calls only three weeks later? She thought about ignoring it as she accepted her coffee from the cynical looking barista, but decided against it, hoping that she could boost her own crumbling confidence by proving to Finn that she was okay in New York. Just fine without him. Taking a deep breath, she accepted the call, holding the phone up to her ear as she left the coffee shop._

"_Hello?" she said lightly, hoping she sounded mature and sophisticated, New York chic at it's best. She also hoped he didn't hear the slight shake to her voice._

"_Rachel? Hi." She closed her eyes for a few seconds as she paused at the crosswalk, his voice sounding huskier than usual for some reason. For those few quick seconds she let herself swim in the warm tones of his voice, pretending that it was a year earlier._

"_Rachel?"_

"_Finn, hello," she said quickly, snapping back to reality as she crossed the street, "Well, this is a surprise. I wasn't expecting to hear from you. Ever."_

"_I'm sorry," he said, and she could hear his sadness through the phone. There was a wistfulness to it that made her heart ache, so she quickly threw her defenses up, afraid to let him know that._

"_What do you want, Finn?" She winced at her own harsh tone, tightening her scarf nervously._

"_I know I shouldn't have called-"_

"_Yes, you see, I find that interesting, too. Weren't you the one that decided for the both of us that we would go on with our lives, no contact?" She blinked back the tears, frustrated with herself, with him, with the world. _

"_I-I know. But Kurt told me that you got into that show and… I wanted to say congratulations and stuff. Not that I'm surprised. I mean, you were meant to be a star." _

"_It's not even a speaking part, Finn," She sighed, trying to hide the fact that the warmth of his words had spread from her heart to the tips of her toes, making her drown in memories of him supporting her. That was always there, at least. Always._

"_Still. It's only a matter of time, right? New York is perfect for you, Rachel." She stopped in the middle of the crowded sidewalk, wondering if she should tell him. Should she tell him that no, actually it wasn't perfect? That New York City was hard and although she still believed it was where she was meant to be, it didn't match her dreams at all? She had gotten so used to him making her feel special that she looked for that feeling wherever she could? Should she tell him that she and Brody had been talking about making it official, about turning their rare kiss into something more solid, but that the idea scared her because it wasn't him? Should she tell him that there were days that she woke up and couldn't remember exactly who she was supposed to be and that she felt like she was playing a role all of the time now?_

_No. She couldn't do that._

"_Thank you," she said simply, moving forward again when she spotted Brody across the street, "Now, I have to meet someone Finn but I appreciate the thought."_

"_Wait, Rachel! I kind of need to talk to you about something and…" Oh now he wanted to talk about something? So was the no contact thing only good when it helped him feel better? Did it not matter that it made her feel more lost forever, not even being able to pretend they were friends anymore._

"_Finn, I'm very sorry, but I'm late for a date." She heard him sigh heavily at the other end of the line, frustrating her to no end. Is that all he could do? Was that all she was worth to him? He couldn't even be upset anymore? She pushed back her mind's own reminder that she had told him herself that it didn't feel that bad, their being apart. She needed to be mad at him. She shook her head, wondering for a brief moment if it would be immature of her to hang up without another word. But before she could decide one way or another, he spoke again. _

"_Yeah, I didn't mean to bother you. I'm gonna let you go, okay? Bye, Rach."_

"He was trying to tell me about the diagnosis, and I blew him off, trying to make him jealous by mentioning my date with Brody." Rachel shook her head, turning away from Kurt to sit on her bed again, bringing her knees up to hug them to her chest.

"You didn't know, Rachel," Kurt said, trying to soothe her, "It's not your fault. Finn doesn't blame you. I promise."

"What… what is it?" She forced herself to ask the question, refusing to meet his gaze. She didn't want to know. Not really. That would make it too real, make her accept the fact that this was happening to the boy who taught her what it meant to really love another person.

"Hodgkins Lymphoma," he said finally, his voice barely more than a whisper, "Stage II. They caught it pretty early, I think, which is a good thing, Rachel. I… I would tell you more but I don't know if it's my place. Finn didn't want you to know at all." He stared at her for a minute before checking his watch. "I really have to go, Rachel," he said quietly, hugging her again, "If I catch a cab now I should just barely make it." He kissed her cheek before turning to leave.

"Kurt, wait," she called out, desperate, "If… if something happens, you have to let me know, okay?" He nodded, smiling a little, before ducking out of the room. She waited as he gathered his bags, reaching for her phone the moment she heard the front door shut. She found Finn's face, relieved that she hadn't deleted his number and pressed the green button, not even bothering to plan out what she was going to say to him. She lay back on her bed as it dialed, her heart faltering when his voicemail picked up. For a moment, she was sure he sounded weak, exhausted, before she realized it was the same outgoing message he had had for more than a year. She smiled, new tears slipping down her cheek as she dialed again, just to hear his voice.

"_Uh, hey. You've reached Finn! Guess I'm out doing something and didn't hear my phone, but I'll call you back as soon as I get this. Or you could just text me. Either way, I'll get back to ya! Um… have a nice day!"_

She went to dial yet again, not caring what Finn would think once he saw he had three missed calls from her, when a different face lit up across her screen. She sighed when she saw Brody's name, wondering if she should bother picking up at all. Was that the way to feel when your older, New York boyfriend called? It had been kind of exciting, although still strange and unfamiliar, in the beginning. She let her thumb hover over 'ignore' before she sighed and answered, bringing the phone up to her ear. It wasn't fair to him that she was worried about Finn. He was still her boyfriend…

"Hello?"

"There you are, sexy," he said, "So how about that date tonight? Maybe I can come over? Will Kurt be there?" She picked at a spot on her comforter, reminding herself that she was supposed to be moving on, that she really wasn't a part of what was going on in Lima, Ohio anymore.

"He's out of town," she said, trying to sound flirty and happy to be talking to him, "He's flying home this afternoon to see his parents and brother."

"Ah, the dreaded ex, huh?" Rachel frowned, wondering why he worded it that way. Dreaded?

"Finn," she corrected, offended.

"Yeah, him," his voice shifted when he said, "Well, if that's the case, can I come over now?" Rachel thought about it, trying to convince herself to say yes. Maybe it would help her forget, remind her that she was where she was supposed to be, maybe help ease the painful worry that had caught her heart in it's grip ever since Kurt had said the worst three words she had ever heard in her life. Her phone beeped before she could answer and she held it in front of her face, ignoring Brody's voice as it sounded from the other side of the line. Her eyes filled with tears yet again when she saw the text from Finn, the message simple, sweet, and obviously worried despite what he was going through and despite what they had been through together and apart over the past year.

_Hey, I saw you called. Are you alright? Is everything okay?_

"Rachel? Hey gorgeous, are you there?" She brought the phone back up to her ear as she wiped her eyes, hopping up off the bed to dig through her top drawer.

"Brody, I can't go out tonight," she said, finding the credit card she had stowed away, sticking it into her purse as she reached for her bag.

"Oh, I know. We'll be staying in. I've missed you." She sighed, moving the phone to her other ear as she zipped up her suitcase, grabbing the keys to the apartment before letting herself out.

"I'm sorry, I can't," she said hurriedly, "I…I'll call you soon, okay?" Before he could say anything else she hung up, dropping her phone in her bag as she made her way to the subway station, wishing it didn't take so long to get to JFK. Quickly she opened Finn's text, typing in her response.

"_Everything's going to be fine, Finn."_

**XxXxX**

**A/N: Please review! I'll love you forever. :)**


	3. Don't Fall Down

**A/N: Thank you so much for your support for this story! My muse is going crazy on me, so I'm just write-write-writing away! I want to thank all of my lovelies at tumblr, especially my special bee, Ava, who is also my beta for this story. She didn't beta this chapter, though, because I was so eager to publish! Also to Tara, because she is my moose. ;) Please don't forget to review! I can't express how much each and every one means to me!**

**XxXxX**

"_Finn Christopher Hudson_! What in God's name are you doing?"

Finn groaned when he heard his brother's screech from behind him, immediately setting the huge glass of chocolate milk back onto the counter. He turned around guiltily, holding his hands up. He wanted to laugh when he saw Kurt's scandalized expression, but he was sure it would just set him off. Kurt had been his shadow since he arrived the night before, fussing over him and reading from one of the huge books he had brought each time Finn let on that he wasn't feeling well.

"I was just gonna drink some chocolate milk, Kurt," he sighed, trying to hide the smile when his brother pushed past him to pour the milk into the sink. He figured he should probably be annoyed, but it was kind of nice having Kurt around. Hell, just that morning Kurt had knelt beside him in the bathroom as he threw up, rubbing his back and telling him it would get better.

"I could have made you some orange juice, Finn," Kurt argued, using the spray nozzle to rinse the milk down the sink, "Why do you think I had Dad buy you that juicer?" He gestured to the appliance sitting on the countertop beside the bottles of anti-nausea meds and antibiotics that the doctors had prescribed him.

"Oh is that what that is?" Finn teased, pulling out a stool from the kitchen island and sitting down, already exhausted from that day's exertions, "See, with the chocolate milk all I needed was a glass and a spoon."

"Shut up and watch me work please," Kurt shot back, opening the fridge and pulling a couple of oranges from the crisper, "Are you hungry? There are carrot sticks in here. Already washed, peeled, and everything."

"Mmm yum." Finn said sarcastically, but he took the carrot from his brother when he waved it in front of his face, "Guess it's better this way than the carrot juice you made me drink_ as soon as you got here_ last night."

"For your information, oh brother my brother, carrot juice is supposed to be very beneficial for cancer patients. You really should read those books I brought for you, you know. They have some great tips. And it starts with a carrot. So eat." Finn raised an eyebrow and chomped on the carrot stick.

"Ehhh…"

"No Bugs jokes," Kurt interrupted, not even bothering to look over his shoulder as he began working at the juicer, "We had plenty of those last night at dinner, thank you very much."

"Well, you showed up wearing that hat that kinda made you look like Elmer Fudd, man," Finn laughed, trying to hide the fact that he was growing more and more tired, "So those are all on you, not the carrots."

"I'll have you know that hat's a preview of- you know what, never mind," Kurt shook his head pouring the first bit of the juice into a clean glass, "Talking to you about fashion is a lost cause. I mean, you'll probably be wearing those grey stocking caps forever."

"Oh, I'll survive," Finn laughed. An awkward silence filled the space between the two brothers for a few moments as Kurt continued to prepare Finn's juice.

"I meant that…I mean…" Finn began, running through his hair, or what was left of it after he had it cut short after the diagnosis.

"I know, Finn," Kurt assured him quickly, his voice thick with tears, "And you will. In both ways."

"Thanks to your fashion sense and carrot sticks?" Finn asked weakly, trying to lift the mood again. Kurt smiled as he turned around, a full glass of freshly squeezed orange juice in hand.

"Precisely," he agreed, lifting himself up onto the stool next to Finn and sliding the juice over to him on the counter, "Et voila! Much better than that 'chocolate' mess you were going to consume." Finn nodded, tipping the glass to his brother before taking a sip.

"Delicious," he smiled, smacking his lips to make a point. Kurt laughed and bumped his shoulder against his.

"You look so tired," he said sadly, "That scared me when I saw you last night. Even more so than you did when I was here a couple of weeks ago." Finn nodded, staring down at his juice.

"I'm beat, man," he shrugged, "My whole body hurts, you know? My first chemo treatment then didn't help, either. Guess that's what happens when something is trying to get your body to destroy itself from the inside out."

"But it's not going to. We're not going to let it."

Finn glanced up at his brother, then back at his juice, lifting the glass to his lips for another sip. He knew that Kurt was waiting for him to answer, for him to say something along the lines of 'Hell yeah, we won't!' And to be honest, he wanted to. He wanted to stand up and yell that he would send the disease packing, that it would take nothing at all. Hell, it would probably even make him feel better. To scream and yell about it. To pound his fists against his chest and let everyone know that he could do it. Hodgkin's Lymphoma, be damned. Finn had a life to live, and that life didn't end at nineteen. But he didn't have the energy. Could hardly even summon enough to laugh. But he did. Somehow he always found it for his family. He sighed, lifting his head again and clapping his brother on the back before draping his arm across his shoulders.

"No we're not," he finally agreed, giving Kurt a sideways hug before forcing himself up off the stool, "Takes more than prissy cancer to take Finn Hudson down. And thanks for the OJ, man. It's super delicious."

"I should start a juice bar, right?" Kurt said lightly, automatically moving to hold onto Finn's arm as they made their way into the living room. Finn wanted to remind Kurt that he was perfectly capable of walking, that he didn't need his help with every little thing, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. Not when he knew that his brother was just trying to help and remind him that he was there. He smiled up at Kurt as he eased himself down onto the sofa, patting the seat next to him as he reached for the remote.

"Wanna watch a movie or something?" he asked switching on the TV. without waiting for an answer. He could feel Kurt fidgeting next to him, clearly bored with his choice of _Lethal Weapon_. He grinned because it felt so familiar, and he knew if it were a year before Kurt would be trying to wrestle the remote from him to watch something less 'culturally degrading.' He glanced down when Kurt pulled out his phone, his heartbeat faltering a little bit when he saw Rachel's name at the top of the screen. He turned back to the movie, unable to focus on what Danny Glover was currently yelling at Mel Gibson. Giving up he turned it off, staring at the blank screen.

"How is she?" he asked finally, pulling at a loose thread in his plaid pajama pants. He swallowed hard, tempted for the millionth time to grab his own phone and text her, call her, anything. He knew though that he would tell her if he did, tell her everything, and that wouldn't be fair to her.

"Rachel?" Kurt asked, pocketing his phone quickly as if it weren't already too late.

"Yeah." Finn nodded.

"She's fine, Finn," his brother replied, shrugging as he turned towards him, "She's doing well. She's a shoo-in to be in the Spring showcase come April. That's a huge deal for a freshman. Brody has never been in a showcase at all." Finn flinched a little at the mention of the new main man in Rachel's life, but took secret satisfaction at the news.

"That's awesome," he said softly, smiling a little bit, knowing how excited she must be, "She's worked so hard for it. She deserves it."

"She's going to make it," Kurt agreed, "In the city that's supposed to chew you up and spit you out, she's going to do it. Why I ever doubted her I'll never know."

"I never doubted her," Finn said, resting his head against the back of the couch, "Not once." He turned his head to look at Kurt, rubbing his hand along his jaw. "Is she… Is she happy?"

"I think so, yeah."

"That's good. Really good." He swallowed again, wishing he hadn't brought it up. Guess Brody was right for her after all, if he was able to make her happy in the city she was born to live in. He couldn't do that.

"Finn, she misses you." Finn snorted at Kurt's words, not wanting to go there with him. They never really talked about Rachel, and for good reason.

"No, she doesn't. Why would she? Not when she has it all. I just…" He sighed, leaning forward and dropping his head in his hands, "I think about it sometimes."

"About what?"

"About what it would be like right now if we had gotten married. How things would be different. Would we be in New York? Here? Sometimes I think we could have done it, you know? That we loved each other enough to make it work. But then I think about how she moved on so fast. How she went from being engaged to me to dating a New York stud. So maybe we couldn't have. Maybe we were just high school sweethearts. Maybe one day she'll tell her daughter about me when she asks, but that's it."

"Finn…"

"But to me she'll always be Rachel. _My_ Rachel. I can't love someone else, Kurt. My heart can't do it. She's moved on, but she forgot to give it back to me. The worst part is, being sick has made me realize that not marrying me is the best thing that ever happened to her."

"I don't understand, Finn. Is this because you don't feel good enough for her again? Because that's wrong and you know it. You want to teach! You-"

"Have cancer. I have cancer, Kurt. And I know we don't say it out loud very often or whatever, but I do. There's no dancing around that. I have cancer, and it sucks, and it's trying to kill me. It might do it, too. What if Rachel were married to me, huh? What if she had to deal with all of this? I loved her so much, I _do_ love her, and I wouldn't want her worrying like that. She should be happy. She should be having fun and dating in New York, not facing the possibility of becoming a widow before she's twenty. So… there you go."

"Finn, I need to tell you something, okay?" Kurt said softly, placing a hand on his brother's arm, "and I don't want you to get upset." Finn shook his head, closing his eyes.

"Can we talk about it later, Kurt?" he asked softly, hating that he was still getting so upset over Rachel, "I kind of feel nauseous now." He opened one eye to see Kurt nod, settling back on the sofa beside him.

"You're feeling sick?" he asked, "Do you need any meds? I know you've been feeling better during the day, at least that's what your mom told me on the phone. Things were rough for you after your first treatment a couple of weeks ago but…"

"I'm fine," Finn said through his teeth, knowing his brother was only trying to help. And yeah, things had been looking up in the two weeks since his first experience with chemo. His body was handling it better than even the doctors expected, but that didn't mean he wasn't sick as a dog most of the time. He had honestly thought he was dying those first few days, sure that the poison injected in his veins to save his life was actually going to do him in. He tried to hide how sick he felt most of the time, wanting his family to treat him normally, not as if he were made of glass and about to shatter at any minute. He sat up straight, trying to ignore his own dizziness.

"I'm going to get dressed," he said, standing up, "At least that's something, right?" He ruffled Kurt's hair, grinning when his brother gave his usual scream of protest. Well, that hadn't changed at least. As he turned towards the stairs, the doorbell rang. He moved quickly, ignoring the way the world spun a little, trying to beat Kurt to the door.

"Finn don't run you're sick!" he protested, holding onto Finn's shirt. Finn laughed as he pushed his brother playfully.

"Exactly, man. I'm sick, not dead." He ignored Kurt's eye roll at his off-color joke as he pulled open the door, only to see a beautiful, tiny, wide-eyed brunette standing in front of him. He blinked at her, sure that he was seeing things.

"Rachel?" he whispered finally, "What are you doing here?"

**XxXxX**

**A/N: Reviews are love! **


	4. Don't Speak

**A/N: Hi babies… Sorry it has been such an insane amount of time since I've updated ANYTHING. My life has been kind of crazy for the past few months, but I'm hoping I'll be able to get into the groove of fic writing again, because I've missed it so much! This chapter will be shorter than the others, and I would just like to ask you to forgive me! This chapter is kind of throwing me back into the fic-writing game, but I'm sure the next several will be better once I find my niche again! I would like to thank all of my lovelies, especially Ava for telling my ass to hurry up and being the best best friend ever, and Dawn for encouraging NOT to put too much pressure on myself! They're my two greatest loves, and I would be lost without them! **

**XxXxX**

Rachel took a deep breath as she stepped out of Blaine's car, leaving him with little but a wave as she took off up the Hummel's front walk, dragging her little pink suitcase behind her. She had been at her wit's end trying to get to Lima, first flying to Charlotte, North Carolina and waiting for an early morning flight to Chicago. From there she called Blaine, knowing he was the only one who would understand enough to drive all the way to Dayton to pick her up once her plane landed. Once she had finished thanking him profusely a heavy silence had fallen over the two of them as if they had no idea what to say, as if there wasn't two years of history and friendship between them. It had made Rachel's heart ache to think that it could be so much worse seeing Finn again, but she had pushed those thoughts out of her mind, just as she had swept away all thoughts of her boyfriend. Finn needed her_. Finn_.

Heaving a sigh, she stood on the front step and rang the doorbell, biting her lip when she heard scuffling and light laughter inside. She glanced down at her shoes, but her head shot up when she heard the door swing open, a tiny gasp tumbling from her lips when she found herself finally staring up at his handsome face.

"Rachel?" he asked, licking his lips, "What are you doing here?"

Rachel could only stare at him for a few short moments, her wide eyes scanning down his body before shooting back up to find his. He was thinner than he had been the last time she saw him, and the bags under his eyes literally broke her heart. He was exhausted, she could see that in the way he held his body, the way he rested most of his weight on his right foot. He used to do that after football games or a particularly strenuous glee rehearsal, but she could tell by the way he was standing that it was a common occurrence now.

But his eyes? His eyes were the same, sweet cinnamon that she remembered. Warm and deep. She hesitated in the doorway, unable to find the words to explain why she was there, that she knew, that she needed to see for herself that he was going to be okay. She couldn't tear her eyes away from him, not to peek into the living room where they had shared everything with each other, not to see her best friend glaring at her from behind his brother, nothing. All she saw was Finn.

Finn stepped back a little, surprised to see her standing on his front porch. He glanced behind him at his brother who was turning a scary shade of red as he stared at her, and he shook his head a little when he turned to face Rachel again. He peeked into the yard, half expecting to see that annoying ass new boyfriend of hers lurking in their driveway, buying himself time so he could figure out what was going on.

"Finn," Rachel finally breathed as the tears slipped down her cheeks, causing him to turn his attention from the yard back to her face. She watched as he licked his lips, noticing for the first time that they looked dry, chapped almost, when they had always been so soft. Without another word, she crossed the invisible barrier between them, wrapping her arms around his middle and pressing her face into his chest. She ignored his shocked little gasp, squeezing her eyes shut as she gripped the back of his t-shirt, taking a deep breath full of him. She was relieved that hadn't changed… Part of her was expecting him to smell like hospitals, medicine, just _different_, but he was the same. She smelled the familiar suave body wash for men, the faint hint of chocolate, _Finn. _

"Rachel?" Finn asked again, his arms hesitantly coming up to wind around her as well,  
"Rachel, what's going on?" He licked his lips, tightening the hug when he felt her tears through the thin material of her t-shirt. She shook her head back and forth against his chest, sinking into his embrace.

"I'm here now," she whispered, unsure that he could even hear her, licking her lips as she pulled back slightly to look up at him. Tentatively, she raised her fingers to brush them against the swollen gland just beneath his jaw, her eyes finally taking in more of the signs that he was sick. She felt him flinch beneath her fingertips, reaching up to take her hand and gently push it away.

"I know, Finn," she whispered, pulling her wrist from his grasp so she could smooth her hand across his t-shirt before gripping the material in her fist. His breath hitched a little at the words and he reached up to loosen her grasp.

"What do you mean you know?" he asked, unable to keep the tension out of his voice. How could she? He watched as she ducked her head, licking her lips nervously before glancing up to find his eyes again.

"Rachel." He said firmly, ignoring Kurt as he came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He stared down into her dark eyes, afraid to believe all of the emotions there, things he hadn't seen in so long, "What are you doing here?"

"I know," she repeated, shaking her head as new tears slipped from beneath her lashes, "I know you're sick, Finn." She ducked her head, resting her forehead against his chest as she tightened her grip on him again, afraid he would push her away. She hugged him tighter, the sudden tension in his body scaring her as he took hold of her upper arms, gently pushing against her.

"Let… Please let go of me," he said in a strained whisper, unable to hide the tears in his voice, "Let go." Hurt, Rachel stepped back, looking up to find tears shining in Finn's eyes as he stared down at her.

"Finn, I…" She whispered, reaching for him again, only for him to step away from her. Licking his lips as a single tear traced down his cheek, he turned to his brother, shaking his head.

"You told her, didn't you?" he asked, his face turning red as he ran his hand over it, wiping away the tear, "I trusted you, Kurt!"

"Finn, she found the books, I didn't mean to."

"It's whatever," Finn shot back, glancing up at Rachel before looking away when he found her staring at him, "I can't… I can't deal with this right now. I'm… I'm sorry, okay? I just… I'm going to go lay down."

"Finn!" Rachel called out after him as he turned around, hurrying towards the stairs, "Finn, just-"

"Rachel," Kurt said, catching her wrist when she started to follow him, "Just give him a minute!" He dropped his hand when she stopped and turned towards him, scrubbing the back of her hand across her eyes, "What are you doing here?"

"How was I supposed to stay away, Kurt?" she asked, refusing to recoil under his glare, "It's… It's Finn. I wasn't just going to stay in New York and pretend like I didn't know!"

"Rachel, you can't just do this to him," Kurt argued, "You can't just pop back into his life and try to be his hero, just to leave again if he gets better."

"That's… that's not what I'm doing!" She cried, defensive, "Kurt, listen to me. How would you feel if you were going about your business in New York, trying to be happy, only to find out that Blaine had been diagnosed with cancer? Would you let me tell you to stay back when all you wanted was to see him, touch him, just… just know for yourself that he was going to be alright? No. You would drop everything to be with him! " Kurt froze before deflating, shutting the front door and reaching for her hand to lead her into the living room.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Rachel," he sighed, sitting down on the sofa and patting the cushion next to him, "I just don't want Finn to be mad at me, you know? We promised not to tell you and you're here… It can't be easy for him." Rachel shook her head, leaning forward to rest it against her best friend's shoulder for a minute.

"He loves you, Kurt," she sighed, looping her arm through his, "Does he really hate me that much?" She blinked as new tears threatened to fall, remembering the phone call he had made back in December, trying to tell her.

"Finn will never hate you," Kurt assured her, leaning back against the sofa cushions, "I think it's confusing for him though, Rachel. Nothing from you, you know, then all of a sudden you're here like you two haven't spent the last several months not talking." He paused, straightening his shirt. Rachel thought about that for a moment, regret washing over her as she thought about the last six months of her life, of the ups and downs with Finn. She groaned when her phone beeped, glancing down to see a new message from Brody.

_Call me. _

Rolling her eyes, Rachel ignored the text and tossed her phone aside.

XxXxX

Finn lay sprawled out on his back across his bed, watching the blades on his ceiling fan spin faster and faster until he was forced to close his eyes, feeling sick. Slowly, he rolled over onto his side, resting his cheek against his hand as he thought about Rachel. What was she even doing here? Sure, for weeks he had daydreamed about her showing up, saying she loved him and that she was done with Brody… but this was different. She had come because he was sick, because she felt sorry for him. Why now? Why couldn't she have just listened to him two months before when he had called her, actually wanted her to know? Burying his face in his pillow as another wave of nausea washed over him, Finn lost himself in memories of her, of them…

"Finn?"

He jumped at the muffled sound of her voice, glancing over his shoulder at his door when she knocked again. For a minute he thought about ignoring her, turning around and going back to sleep. He wasn't sure how long he had dozed off for, but he was so exhausted all the time, he was sure he could pass out again in no time. Avoid the awkward conversations he knew were coming. But when she knocked again, her soft voice calling out his name, he broke, telling her to come in. He didn't look when he heard the door open but kept his back to the door. She sighed, loud enough for him to hear her, so he finally rolled over onto his back, gazing up at her as she stood over his bed.

"We don't have to talk… Not yet." she whispered, playing with the t-shirt she had changed into sometime since she had arrived. With a jolt, Finn realized it was his old practice t-shirt, the one she had stolen from him their senior year of high school… She still had it?

"O…Okay," he murmured, licking his lips as he looked way, fighting not to let his emotions get the best of him, "Thanks."

"But," she said quickly, as if she were afraid he would tell her to leave, "Can I just lay in here for a little while?" He looked up at her again, the lone tear clinging to her cheek breaking her heart. Hesitating for only a moment, Finn pulled back the covers for her to climb in. With a sad smile, she slipped into bed beside him, keeping a careful distance between them. Finn stared up at the ceiling again, wondering if he should say something. There were so many things he wanted to ask her. Where was her boyfriend? When did she get to Lima? What did this mean?

"I miss you, you know," she said quietly, interrupting Finn's thoughts as she reached over to rest her hand on his arm, "In case you ever doubted it… I miss you so much."

With a soft sigh, Finn rolled his head to the side to look at her, truly gaze into her eyes for the first time since he opened the door to find her standing on their front porch.

"I miss you, too," he whispered finally, deciding all of his questions, all of the hard conversations, could wait until later.

**A/N: Remember, reviews are love! :) **


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